Thursday, May 15, 2008

Confessions of a (Third Grade Teacher) Drama Queen,

Today was Grandparents Day. As a first year teacher I did not know what to expect. Here is a comment made by each grandparent (no joke, every single last stinking one)

"When I walked in I thought you were one of the kids!"

Oh, ha ha haha. (Imagine a fake belly laugh here) If you sent your child to school in a pair of high heeled cheetah flip-flops then I AM one of the kids.  My kids take advantage of the fun day to act like total fools. Like, total fools. So after all of the grandparents leave, which was a social commentary in itself, I shut the door and literally say to my students:
"No more Misses NICE TEACHER. Zip your lips and GET IN YOUR SEATS" in the most evil voice you can imagine from me, which you can't even imagine because it developed over the past six months. Seriously, I could burn your soul with my retinas. I wish I had a picture of thier faces when I said that. I chuckle now even thinking about it, which leads me to my next point. Teaching made me the devil. And if I did not have the summer off... I would staple a paper to someone's forehead.
Today, I directly quote, after reading the story "Cows in the Parlor-A visit to a Dairy farm" A kid says:
"How do you get milk out of cows gutters?"
Excuse me it's udders, but I wouldn't expect him to know that after reading the story twice and watching a mid 90's video (Sorry that's all we gots at the library!) on milk production! (It was full of neon and dairy pop songs).
I would like to make a list of all the things I learned about cows over the past week. If you don't want to know, you shouldn't be reading my blog because I am obviously boring, that should have been glaringly obvious by now. (I used obvious twice in that sentence, obviously) I will indent so it is easier for your eyes to avoid the cow fact section:
  • Cows have no front teeth, but break of grass with their coarse, abnormally long tongue
  • Cows have four stomachs
  • Milk has riboflavin in it... don't know what this is, just thought I'd share
  • Food in a silo is called "silage"
  • Where cows are milked is called a "parlor" (and so entitles our story)
  • Where they eat is called a "bunk"
  • All my children are obsessed with cows
  • I haven't met a third grader who can pronounce "trough"
  • I told them cows not only eat hay and corn, but sweet cattle feed with 17% protein (BFS people)
  • And finally, I learned it was better to learn about a dairy farm rather than a "hamburger" farm as they became very concerned of the male cows fate....
On a non-teacher note, Nick is done his finals and graduates on Saturday. Woohoo! Then he can come spend the summer with me! And only me. Just kidding.
Think of me May 17 when my BFF is listening to my friend Chris Thile and I am on the Eastern Shore watching Nick graduate.

Peace - in the middle east (Because isn't that what's really important)

PS Two disclaimers - Nick will be excruciatingly embarrassed that I said peace in the middle east and
I actually love my class...this is just how I express my love, through griping and insults. Isn't Nick a lucky guy???!!!


shrtstormtrooper said...

I think I know who that forehead stapling is in reference to. I'd totally support you if you did that, by the way.

And I could probably steal you some sweet antiseptic creams or gauze pads or tape if you needed to clean the kids up and pretend it never happened.

Anonymous said...

don't you think it odd that we drink another animals breast milk?

Anonymous said...

"I told them cows not only eat hay and corn, but sweet cattle feed with 17% protein (BFS people)"

Even though I worked there for almost 3 years, if you asked me now i would have no idea what percent protein is in sweet cattle feed, or what indeed makes it sweet.

But I can tell you that the number for a bale of straw is 100. :)